If you're familiar with Monty Python and the Search for the Holy Grail (a personal and family favorite) this is probably my favorite scene. Of course that changes by the minute.If you're not familiar, well then, I'm sorry and you should fix that tonight. If not sooner.
Scene: medieval street. Corpses and indigent line the cobblestone paths. A dirty, haggared man pulls a wooden cart pulled high with bodies. He rings a bell, stoicly shouting "bring out yer dead. Bring out yer dead." When he stops, another man approaches with what appears to be a not dead person flung over his shoulder. A conversation issues about the deadness of said person, when in an old, small voice calls out, "I'm not quite dead yet!". The debate continues all the while the susposed dead man contests the state of his mortality. It doesn't end well for the old man, and he end up knocked out in the cart. Hmm. That reads quite callus,but I promise, on film and in the hands of The Pythons it's brilliant and endlessly funny.
Well, that's a long way to get to Dutch is still here.
I swear, he heard us on the phone with the vet, crying and planning for the end when he said,"Oh hell, they're pretty serious about this. Better pull it together, Dutch or you'll be on the way to that Rainbow Bridge Woman always talks about!".
Within an hour of the call he was drinking water. Within 12 hours he was eating food,er sort of. More like eating mini Jumbones and turkey meatballs, but he was keeping food down. "Nope, not quite dead yet,Woman."
Good, Dutch. Very, very good.
Dutch is dying. Just writing those words and my eyes flood with tears. Yes, I've known this was the expected result, but Dutch being Dutch, he's exceeded expectations so I think I must have convinced myself he was willing himself to get better; that love and the sheer force of my own will for him to live was repairing the damage done to his giant heart. But that's not how this works. And in my better moments, I know that.
So here we are, one day shy of four months from his original diagnosis; when Vet said, "Let's just see if we can get him through the weekend". Almost four months closer to his 9th birthday--which in Saint Bernard time is pretty amazing on its own. Add to it a bout with cancer and two accompanying surgeries, degenerative joint disease, and congestive heart failure, well you see why I think he's amazing. Because he is.
Yesterday, Friday was awful. I was home from work with the stomach flu--or was it intuition for his end--and alone in the house. Just me and Dutch. He was resting from the heat in his dojo--the kitchen with a strong AC vent and ceiling fan--but he was breathing heavy. Beyond heavy. And then he began vomiting. Which is like a person vomiting, because he's person size. I had an old, confused, scared person vommiting in my kitchen. Which really wasn't vomit per se,it was bile and air because he had nothing in his stomach,not even water. We managed to get outside where he sought refuge in the grass. I sat with him stroking his head, and cried. Always with the crying. We talked of our sadness, of our fears in parting, of our love, and joy in the time we had. We agreed that it wasn't near enough time to do everything we wanted, but the time it was was good. We talked about the Rainbow Bridge and all the fun he would have there, but how it would be better when he and Man and I were reunited because he has a very low tolerance for other animals. I laughed, he snorted. We agreed I was a mess without him, but would have to be strong for Man, but really more for myself because we both know when I get sad I go deep inside, and then emerge by doing something really stupid. "There's no place for that now, Woman". You're right, Dutch. You're right.
The afternoon languished on. The vomit, crying, petting cycle languished on also. Man found us on an outside bed during one of the petting phases. Always the stoic, he got to the point,"you need to call your dad. He'll want to say goodbye". "Always the stoic, Woman" Dutch whispered just to me.
Dad and I are optimists. So while the stoic Man went inside we contemplated the possibility that this too would pass. And then Dutch, without getting up, vommited between his arms. I jumped in quickly with a nearby towel, which he simply laid his big, heavy head on. On top of his own vomit. Our eternal sunshine went to rest behind nearby clouds. Dad sat looking at his own weathered hands. "Nobody likes to get old, Boy. But we all do. That's the constant." So as Dutch lay on his vomit pillow and my dad mulled over his own mortality,I realized I wouldn't have either for much longer. "Grandpa Walt can visit me at the Rainbow Bridge, can't he Woman?"
"Of course he can, pup. And he will."
"Okay, Woman. Then it won't be so bad waiting for you."
So here we are, one day shy of four months from his original diagnosis; when Vet said, "Let's just see if we can get him through the weekend". Almost four months closer to his 9th birthday--which in Saint Bernard time is pretty amazing on its own. Add to it a bout with cancer and two accompanying surgeries, degenerative joint disease, and congestive heart failure, well you see why I think he's amazing. Because he is.
Yesterday, Friday was awful. I was home from work with the stomach flu--or was it intuition for his end--and alone in the house. Just me and Dutch. He was resting from the heat in his dojo--the kitchen with a strong AC vent and ceiling fan--but he was breathing heavy. Beyond heavy. And then he began vomiting. Which is like a person vomiting, because he's person size. I had an old, confused, scared person vommiting in my kitchen. Which really wasn't vomit per se,it was bile and air because he had nothing in his stomach,not even water. We managed to get outside where he sought refuge in the grass. I sat with him stroking his head, and cried. Always with the crying. We talked of our sadness, of our fears in parting, of our love, and joy in the time we had. We agreed that it wasn't near enough time to do everything we wanted, but the time it was was good. We talked about the Rainbow Bridge and all the fun he would have there, but how it would be better when he and Man and I were reunited because he has a very low tolerance for other animals. I laughed, he snorted. We agreed I was a mess without him, but would have to be strong for Man, but really more for myself because we both know when I get sad I go deep inside, and then emerge by doing something really stupid. "There's no place for that now, Woman". You're right, Dutch. You're right.
The afternoon languished on. The vomit, crying, petting cycle languished on also. Man found us on an outside bed during one of the petting phases. Always the stoic, he got to the point,"you need to call your dad. He'll want to say goodbye". "Always the stoic, Woman" Dutch whispered just to me.
Dad and I are optimists. So while the stoic Man went inside we contemplated the possibility that this too would pass. And then Dutch, without getting up, vommited between his arms. I jumped in quickly with a nearby towel, which he simply laid his big, heavy head on. On top of his own vomit. Our eternal sunshine went to rest behind nearby clouds. Dad sat looking at his own weathered hands. "Nobody likes to get old, Boy. But we all do. That's the constant." So as Dutch lay on his vomit pillow and my dad mulled over his own mortality,I realized I wouldn't have either for much longer. "Grandpa Walt can visit me at the Rainbow Bridge, can't he Woman?"
"Of course he can, pup. And he will."
"Okay, Woman. Then it won't be so bad waiting for you."
I spent all afternoon outside with the pup. While not up to his typical, hands-on, nose in it all, supervisor role he did keep an eye on all activity from his bed. He closed his eyes only in the walk-by belly rubs and mini puppy massages.
Knowing now that he's sick makes activities like tree pruning completely bittersweet. I am so grateful to have more days with Dutch, but knowing that the time is limited is near impossible to bear.
Before going outside this morning, I told my husband, "it breaks my heart that he's dying."
"Does it break your heart that I'm dying?"
"I know, I know. We're all dying a little bit each day. This is different."
"Does it break your heart that you're dying?"
"Compared to him? No."
Knowing now that he's sick makes activities like tree pruning completely bittersweet. I am so grateful to have more days with Dutch, but knowing that the time is limited is near impossible to bear.
Before going outside this morning, I told my husband, "it breaks my heart that he's dying."
"Does it break your heart that I'm dying?"
"I know, I know. We're all dying a little bit each day. This is different."
"Does it break your heart that you're dying?"
"Compared to him? No."
In October 2003 Sir Dutch Pigglesworth Kalashian (Dutch) came into our home. He brought love, laughter, sometimes frustration, and always fur and drool. On February 24, 2012 Dutch was diagnosed with congestive heart failure and degenerative joint disease. I had never been so sad. This blog is how I am coping with losing my very best friend.
